But I will give it a try…enjoy.

“Sir…um…I think you’re gonna have to make a decision on Afghanistan.  I’m really feeling the heat in those daily briefings.”

“Shut up, Robert.  Just do your job.  I have about 12 more meetings to go before my erudite self can truly understand the issues and make the right decision.”

“But sir…we have those guys out there…losing compatriots every day…morale is low…for the love of God please make a decision. “

“Yes, Barack.  Please make a decision.  Not for you or for me, but for all those brave souls out there fighting for America.”

“Who the hell let him in here?”

“Just trying to help, Mr. President.  Also, I have some of the latest numbers on health care and your approval ratings on my white board Fox News gave me if you’d like to go over them later.”

“Eric, can you do something about him?”

“No sir, I’m afraid I can’t.  I haven’t been able to find a way to legally deny his access rights to the oval office.  The prior administration was good.  Damn good.”

“Crap.”

“While we’re at it sir, the decision to hold the 9/11 terrorists’ trials in NYC hasn’t gone over so well.”

“Then why the hell did you tell me it was the right thing to do?”

“Sir…I thought we were trying to fundamentally transform America.”

“I know I said that, but what I said and what I meant aren’t necessarily the same thing.  Didn’t we go over this?”

“Yes, sir.  We did.  My bad.  But I don’t think there’s any way to go back now.  You promised to close down G’tmo.”

“Crap.”

“Um….Mr. President?  The latest Rasmussen poll on your health care reform is not looking good.  I really think you need to look at my white board.”

“Karl!  I’m not going to tell you again!  I and my team have read many more books and know much more than the common folk could ever hope to know.  We know what’s good for them, so we will make these health care decisions for them.  They are way too ignorant to know what’s good for them.”

“Wow.  You really think you can get all this stuff through before 2010?”

“Or 2012?”

“Yes, we can!”

“Um…sir….some secret emails were just released that prove the whole global warming thing was a scam.”

“I don’t wanna hear it, Robert.  Just handle it.  We have got to get cap and tax through before 2010. We have to make sure people are so desperate to pay their energy bills…and any bills that relate to goods or services from companies that provide goods or services that use energy to do business….that they become completely dependent on government aid by 2010.  Have you looked at Karl’s white board?”

“That’s right.  I knew you were listening.”

“Shut up, Karl.”

“Okay, guys, okay.  One at a time.  Now let’s try and figure out what’s going on here.”

“What’s going on here is you need to tell those damn republicans that WE won the election, we write the spending bills.  End of story.”

“Come on, Nancy. You’re killing me here.  You need to lay off that talk.”

“Wait just a minute.  We have the votes.  We can do what we want.”

“Nancy, that’s enough.  We’re re-working the package and that’s my decision.”

“Um…sir….I’m sorry but I really think I should withdraw my name from consideration.  I seem to have a bit of a tax issue….”

“Oh, come on Nancy.  You’re kidding right?”

“No, sir.  I’m sorry.”

“Hey, Bob.  What’s this I hear about the New York Times turning on us?

“Sir, would you like me to go take care of them for you?  I have some experience in dealing with those news bozos.  And in the end I will be able to show that you…have done nothing….wrong.”

“Who the hell let him in here?!”

“Hey, man.  I was just trying to help a brother out.”

“Come on, guys. You need to get up off your asses, stop bloviating and start doing something – anything that will be of value to get us out of this financial crisis.  You have the mandate…now do something sensible with it and stop wasting time!”

“Hold up, Bill.  Give me a chance.  I have to look at all the pieces and figure out what’s going on before I move on anything.  Now, can someone tell me who let Bill in here?”

“I did, Mr. President.  I thought it might be nice to see a friendly face in this meeting.”

“Excuse me, Mr. President.  I regret to inform you I am going to have to withdraw my name from consideration.  It appears the New York Times and others will make it difficult for me to get confirmed.”

“Sir, just say the word and I will go kick their asses right now.  I’m serious.  I’ll do it.  Not for me or you but for the good of the country and all the people we’ve tried to help through the years.”

“Oh, my God.  Get the hell out of here, Rod.  Seriously, I can’t take much more of this.”

“Sir, don’t worry.  I’m going to take care of this.  I’m sure there are a few more republicans that would be willing to serve in your cabinet.”

“That’s right, Rom.  Now you’re thinking.  We’re much better at hiding our…shall we say….financial indescretions.”

“How many times do I have to tell you guys…cancel Karl’s security codes.  I’m tired of having to kick him out of here.”

“Sir, I’m having a hard time holding off the media.  What do you want me to tell them?”

“Just tell them it’s all good and I’m continuing to build my cabinet with smart, qualified people.  Oh, and….can we cancel all the network anchor interviews today?”

“Okay, guys.  Time for a smoke break.”

“What the hell am I going to tell the press now?  First he turns the heat up, now he’s disregarding the White House no smoking policy.”

“I really don’t know how George did this for eight years.  I’m gonna have to give him a call.”

“I have his number.  Want me to take care of that for you?”

“Shut up, Karl.”

I guess….

You Are a Lemon

You have a very distinct personality. And if you’re not being sweet, you’re a little hard to take.You’re a bit overpowering, especially in one on one situations.And while you are very dominant, sometimes your power is needed and appreciated. You can liven up a dull situation, and you definitely bring a fresh outlook. You are a bit of an acquired taste, and you tend to grow on people over time. People feel refreshed and rejuvenated after spending time with you.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Swiped from Paula. Funny how we are both lemons and drop by one another’s places every now and then….

It’s right here.

Thanks, Paula!!

Seriously…a sammich or maybe an apple or carrots or at least a grape or two….

A hungry 6-year-old grabbed his grandmother’s car keys, positioned his child seat behind the steering wheel and tried to drive himself to an Applebee’s restaurant.

You can see the full article here. Poor little hungry boy. What else was he supposed to do?

My brother-in-law sent me this. I’m not necessarily saying I agree with all parts…..but I found it rather funny. You might not. If you don’t, well then you just don’t know how to laugh at yourself every now and then.

Enjoy, and please pass it along if you feel you must.

THE HISTORY OF BEER

HISTORY

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history: It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tic them off.

Heh. Now that’s just funny.

I’m always after The Boy to drink more water. It seems he’s met me half way….equal amounts of Dew and water. Yup, he’s definitely 12.

I know it’s been a tough couple of days with what happened at Virginia Tech. It seems coverage on the tragedy is everywhere.  Of course our thoughts are with those that survived and those that lost loved ones. That was one screwed up dude.

Anyway, to lighten things up a bit I give you this video link. You have to watch it on your high-speed connection to make it work right. It’s about two minutes long. Enjoy.

Seems a hunter shot a duck and put it in the fridge without checking its status first.

Wildlife officials said the feathered Lazarus had been shot by a hunter and put into his refrigerator for two days. That’s when the hunter’s wife opened the door and the duck lifted his head, giving her a scare.…..Sanctuary veterinarian David Hale said it has about a 75 percent chance of survival.

Like I said, that’s cold. But apparently not cold enough! I bet that woman won’t ever approach a fridge without extreme caution again.

That tenacious duck sort of reminds me of the buzzard in Tommy’s story. If you haven’t read it, go take a peak. A good funny for your Sunday if you have a few minutes.

Well, you better watch it if you have it while incarcerated:

Brian Bruggeman caused a stink at the Lincoln County Jail earlier this month and will now have to answer for it in court. Another inmate, Jesse Dorris, alleges that Bruggeman’s flatulence, passed in close proximity to Dorris, sparked a Dec. 14 fight between the two at the jail.

I’m thinking they might want to consider taking beans off the menu. I’m just sayin’….

The two began scuffling, County Attorney Jeff Meyer said Tuesday, because Dorris was fed up with Bruggeman’s flatulence.

A funny for your Wednesday .