Why is that some people seem to think that if they go to the gym for a few weeks at the end of February and the beginning of March, they will somehow magically wipe away the long months of eating poorly and letting their physiques atrophy into gelatinous masses of flab?

Every year it is the same thing. Right after Valentine’s Day and before Spring Break, the same group of people show up, taking advantage of a year’s worth of health club dues which they only redeem during these (what they
think) are key weeks of the year.

Note: This is the same group of people that used to show up after New Year’s Day but now have pushed the window back a bit and wait until “After the Super Bowl”.

But I digress. So anyway…..they come to the gym, stand around staring dumbly at this piece of equipment or that, and try to access those dim memories of actually knowing how to operate the machine.

I can’t blame them for trying. At least they are there. They bothered to put gym clothes on, drive to the place and actually get themselves motivated enough to walk past the front desk.

However…(and you knew this was coming)….it would be really, really nice if they actually worked out while they were there instead of either going at a snail’s pace, never breaking a sweat, on the treadmill or on the ellipticals…or sitting on equipment taking five to 10 minute breaks between their prescribed three sets…and….GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY OF US GYM RATS WHO BOTHER TO SHOW UP EACH AND EVERY WEEK FOR OUR TORTURE.

I guess what I’m trying to convey here…is something these people deep in their hearts already know. A few weeks a year does not undo all the neglect of and bad things they’ve put into their bodies. Either go…or don’t go. I just wish they’d decide once and for all either way because it would make it SO much easier for me. And we all know it’s all about ME.

I’m just sayin’….

So if you have a minute go take this test. Shouldn’t take long at all.

‘Kay? ‘Kay.

1. We had Comcast service for cable and broadband.

2. We don’t anymore.

3. Because it was expensive.

4. And I kept losing the signal to the router…several times a day and always at the most inconvenient times.

5. I lost some posts because of Comcast.

6. I did not like Comcast.

7. Cable companies in general are evil.

8. Comcast is losing the market – at least in our neighborhood – fast.

9. Because NOW there is something better, cheaper, and faster.

10. It is called Verizon FIOS.

11. It is glorious.

12. The cable picture is better, the broadband speed is faster, and I have not lost broadband signal at ALL in days.

13. Verizon FIOS TV comes with dual tuner DVRs.

14. I love dual tuner DVRs.

15. Not that I’m addicted to TV or anything…certainly NOT me.

16. We canceled our TiVo account.

17. But guess what? You can STILL use it to record shows and pause live TV. But you can’t update your guide is all.

18. We updated our guide with Verizon info. before we canceled our TiVo service. Tommy’s smart that way .

19. Did I say I LOVE the dual tuner DVR? Now I can watch American Idol and record Deal or no Deal – AT THE SAME TIME.

20. For those of you which already have a dual tuner DVR…shut up. I’m excited. Don’t spoil it for me.

21. I don’t own an MP3 player and I rarely listen to music.

22. Except maybe if I’m cleaning.

23. Some would say I clean all the time so therefore I must listen to music all the time.

24. I don’t clean all the time…just when something needs cleaning…oh….never mind.

25. We are early adopters of technology.

26. FIOS is so new they haven’t even trained their techs on their new laptops which must be used to activate services on site at your house.

27. This must be why they schedule installs in four hour blocks of time…all that navigating through an unfamiliar program.

28. But that’s OK, they hire talented guys and they figure it out eventually.

29. Our house is so wired that some nights we all sit at our respective computers and chat via IM as we do what we do on our own computers.

30. Yes, this includes the boy. Shut up, he is not spoiled rotten…spoiled maybe but certainly not rotten.

31. The HD DVR is cool too and it has its own dual tuner. Now Tommy can record hockey while he’s away…oh boy.

32. Did I mention that the boy has a cable box in his room and TV recording software on his computer so he can also record shows and watch them back later on his monitor through his computer?

33. I TOLD you, he’s not rotten. Just spoiled.

Those are my random thoughts on technology. Now I must go watch one thing while the DVR records another thing…just because I can.

I think I’ve covered here many times (even recently) about how much I hate to shop. Of all the things I hate to shop for, groceries definitely tops the list. It’s time consuming, tedious, and then there are the other people you have to deal with.

On any given Sunday, the crowd at the grocery store was almost manageable. Although very slow, most would recognize when they were holding up traffic or were in someone else’s way and would apologize and move accordingly…after all, it’s Sunday and you’re supposed to be at least courteous on that day, right?

Well…..all that changed when my grocer decided to put a Starbucks inside the store. Not attached to the store off to the side….not the next store front down. Oh, no….it’s INSIDE the front door. Right there. Near the entrance. And it’s Starbucks so there’s always a line…of people….strung right across the main entry which you HAVE to pass through to get to the groceries.

Anyway…so now…..apparently Sunday has become a key coffee event for the very social church crowd in the area. They all show up either before or after services (or in between for those all day die-hard worshipers). They patiently chat and wait in line…get their beverage of choice…and then….they descend upon the general grocery shopping population.

First, can I just say that if they were going to put a Starbucks inside the store, they should have thought forward and provided carts with cup holders. Have you ever seen someone try to navigate a shopping cart one-handed whilst trying not to spill their grande mocha late’ or whatever all over the place or on their nice church clothes? This is the definition of un-ergonomic, people.

They stop, swerve, stumble, trip when they do decide to move the cart a few inches forward….whilst sipping their coffee or chatting with the odd neighbor or their spouse right in front of the apples or rice or cheese or yogurt or whatever it is that I need to get to. And they are talking and chatting so loudly amongst themselves you have to shout to be heard above the fray so they will move out of my way so I can like, ya know….SHOP FOR MY DAMN GROCERIES!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for church if that’s your thing. And I am definitely all about Starbucks. And I know grocery shopping is a necessary evil. However….church social combined with Starbuck’s and all that goes with it combined with grocery shopping and handling a shopping cart equals NO…FUN….FOR….ME!!!!

People….if you want to go to a church social…go to church. If you want to go to Starbucks…go to Starbucks. AND…if you want to go get groceries….get your damn groceries and get the friggin’ Starbucks on your way OUT of the grocery store!!!!!

That is all.

I mean, if one is going to run off with a beer delivery truck, one ought to choose a truck containing better beer….like maybe Sam Adams or Heineken or something. I’m just sayin’….

Shopping. The mere mention of the word makes many women in my family run away in terror. Yes, we go against the grain that way. We HATE TO SHOP!!!. So much so that some of us wait until all pairs of underwear are nearly unsalvageable before we will brave the elements of the shopping environment to restock with new supplies…and even then some of us just can’t bring ourselves to do it and so we order online….hoping for the best.

Well…today I had to shop. First because I was looking for an excuse not to go to the gym (yes, I was THAT desperate not to go to the gym). But second…when the spouse is away…..money must be spent. It’s a rule (don’t tell Tommy).

So…I did at least start the dishwasher and sort the clothes for laundry…I even started the first load. I took a long leisurely bath, actually put makeup on since I would be seen by the throes at the nearby outlet mall…and off I went to brave the general public. I went to the mall for one thing and one thing only…I am nearly out of shower gel and lotion. For most, this would be no big deal…just get it with your groceries. But for me…well…I am allergic to most stuff from the store I have tried, and to be perfectly honest I don’t like the way any of it smells. So Bath and Body was the target. I got there relatively unscathed by the unemployed guys, teenagers skipping school, and stay at home moms with their endless stream of whining toddlers and crying babies. Oh yes, I got the buy three get one free! But…what do you buy? You go through the lotion quicker but you need the shower gel more…oh well. I figured it out.

Then it was off to our local Kohl’s which is at least not a mall but still full of more stay at home moms and their offspring. Only…the cell conversations were louder as the store was less crowded so that was a nuisance. But I was there for one thing and one thing only….a new bathroom wastebasket to match my pretty new bluey violety bathroom paint…only…..they had PJ’s on sale. So I got some new PJ bottoms…so then I had to get Scytheboy a novelty tee.

Not to worry…I found the wastebasket too. And all was bought for less than $50 (at least at Kohl’s).

I was out for less than an hour total….but it was shopping…and I hated it. But at least now I have a nifty new trash can and am currently wearing freshly washed new PJ bottoms (get your mind out of the gutter…I have an old tee on too).

In summary…hate to shop…but had to shop….good news is I found an excuse not to go to the gym and arrived home in record time unscathed with all targets acquired…plus a few more.

A couple glasses of wine later I am fully recovered from the ordeal.

But I still and always will hate to shop.

Are you loyal to your dry cleaner? Do you go to the same one religiously, never thinking about what they do there or who works there? I would like to be that way, confident that when I drop Tommy’s uniforms off, they will be clean and ready to go at the time promised.

However…I have not had the best of luck with dry cleaning establishments since we moved to Dallas. The first one I went to seemed very professional and everything was fine…only they were closed on Saturday and I had to turn left to return home. I hate turning left. And sometimes I needed the stuff on Saturday. So I switched to the cleaners on the other side of the road so I could turn right and pick up the clothes on Saturday.

Well…..the business changed hands a few months ago and things really went down hill. They only had one person working there that could barely speak English or make change…and this one person would leave at odd times during the day and close down the store for an hour or two. VERY inconvenient when you have that errand on your list and have to come back another time…especially if the spouse needs his uniforms that day for a trip.

So….I switched again. To another place (still one where I could turn right) that is near my nail place. This shop only accepts cash for orders less than $8 (which is really weird). One time I only had a $20, and they didn’t have change so I had to dig around the car to try and find a few ones and some coins. A mostly cash only business…very strange. But I figured it was conveniently located so I would put up with it.

Then…last night Tommy was out so he went to pick up the uniforms…and the pants weren’t done. They weren’t going to be done until this morning. So I had to take the extra trip after dropping Scytheboy off. When I got there, nobody was at the counter and there was this weird gold shower curtain deal pulled shut so you couldn’t see what was going on in the back of the place where they do the clothes. The girl came out from a side office (with a 2-way mirror that they can see out but you can’t see in). Her hair was all messy like she’d just gotten out of bed and she had thrown a coat over her pajamas.

Very….very weird. I paid cash for the pants and got the hell out of there.

Guess where I’ll go when Tommy gets back from this trip? Back to the original place where I have to turn left (dammit) but at least the business is above board, you can charge stuff, and they have more than one worker so they don’t close down whenever they feel like it. Except on Saturday….oh well.

Okay, so I watch American Idol. Tommy hates that I watch it, but who cares? It’s American Idol!! I know a lot of people just like to watch the beginning of it to see the really bad people get humiliated. Well, that’s just mean. I like to watch the final 24 because that’s when you get to see if the ones they pick can really sing, or if they just picked them to set them up for failure.

I watched the girls last night. I liked Paris. She was cute and talented. But young…oh, so young. Don’t think she’ll end up being able to hang. No mass appeal. Lisa…oh, Lisa. Young too, but oh so poised. Talented too. But I think they’ll end up telling you there isn’t enough emotion there in the end. Poor Lisa.

But tonight….well, tonight…..I I really think in the end this season is gonna be all about the guys. Sorry, Paris. Sorry Lisa. I think that’s the way it’s gonna be.

ACE!!!!! ACE!!!!! ACE!!!! What is there NOT to like about Ace? He’s Constantine on steroids. I gots ta have me some Ace each week, I think. I loves me some Ace. Go check out some Ace for yourself. Trust me, if you didn’t watch tonight he can sing too!

And Taylor. Man, Taylor you can really belt out a toon. Love to listen to Taylor…but look at him? Not so much. Maybe a little too old looking even for this seasoned pilot’s wife.

And Sway….Sway….say it….Sway. It’s just fun to say….Sway. Sway can sing…really high notes. But he’s a little too girly for me. Fun to watch, but girly.

Bobby – go have another drink why don’t ya?

Bucky….you need a throat lozenge, boy.

Elliott…you’re good, I’ll give you that. But I like to look at ACE….ACE….ACE!!!!!!! Sorry.

Gedeon…..where did you come from and how do we put you back? Pretentious, egotistical, egomaniacle twit. With a weird smile. Sorry, but I have to agree with Simon on that one. Creepy. Very creepy.

Kevin…..you’re cute in a school boy sort of way. I think you need a few more years before you can be successful with the viewers. You look like you still need a babysitter.

Those are my impressions…nobody else really left one, good or bad.

So….what did you think (if you watched it)?

But this is WAY over the top in my book.

The painters are gone. The house is beautiful. Tommy has to put the stuff back up on the walls tomorrow. And here are some things I learned about painters and having your house painted in the past couple of days:

10. You WANT to leave the house when they are getting it ready to paint. This is tedious work and not much fun to watch.

9. While you’re out, you might as well have breakfast, go to Best Buy, and go to lunch and maybe a movie and do some shopping (at least that’s what we did).

8. Stop back by the house every once in a while.

7. You just might catch the crew playing pool on your nice pool table while they wait for the repairs to dry.

6. Once caught playing pool on the owners’ table, painters will stay extra late to make up for having been caught.

5a. Speak a little Spanish to the crew…that way they’ll know you know if you know what I mean…and they’ll be a little more respectful when chatting amongst themselves about you – the owners.

5. If you have textured walls, you need to use the extra matted rollers (we’ve never done this, but will do it again given that they can take out an entire wall in the game room in less than five minutes with one of those bad boys).

4. Painting takes practice.

3. Once you practice enough, you don’t need to screw around with that sticky blue painters’ tape…you just push the brush up by the separation between the wall and the ceiling and paint a straight line.

2. It’s ALWAYS a good idea to have someone ELSE do the painting.

1. If we ever build another house, we will tell the contractor “Don’t worry about the paint. We’ll take care of it”…because….they will charge you an upgrade fee for color but will still use the same shitty, chalky, $4/gallon paint so it’s just not worth having them do it…call in a contractor and manage the work yourself.

So that’s my top 10. As an aside, they’re not paying me for this but I will direct you to the site of the place that did our job (try to look past the typo on the front page…they repaired all the friggin’ cracks and buckles in our sheet rock and THAT’S what matters). They are VERY good….and we didn’t pay a dime until we were satisfied. AND….they will come and fix stuff for up to three years from today. No questions asked.

Very nice.
Very happy.
Very pretty house.
Very satisfied.
Kinda buzzed (we drank wine to celebrate).

That is all.